Traffic

UPTOWN — City leaders and urban planners confirmed Tuesday that a metro area constructed almost exclusively out of dark asphalt, unyielding concrete, and reflective glass high-rises is surprisingly, inexplicably hot today. “We are genuinely at a loss for words,” said Charlotte City Manager Marcus Jones. “We paved over every square inch of topsoil, cut down…

STEEL CREEKE— A Steele Creek resident reportedly experienced a complete spiritual collapse Tuesday afternoon as a gas-pump display blared an advertisement for a roller-grill hot dog of indeterminate age while he filled his tank for $84.50. The man, who was already having a deeply mediocre day, was granted the privilege of paying a premium for…

MIDTOWN — A psychopath in a lifted Ford F-150 attempted to back into a compact space in the crowded Midtown Target parking lot on Thursday, triggering a massive traffic jam. The driver, a 26-year-old junior analyst in a Patagonia vest, stopped his truck in the middle of the main lane, shifted into reverse, and began…