State

  • Hornets Liquidate Entire Team For $50 Chili’s Gift Card

    Hornets Liquidate Entire Team For $50 Chili’s Gift Card

    SPECTRUM CENTER — The Charlotte Hornets front office confirmed Monday that they are “extremely optimistic” about liquidating its remaining basketball operations in exchange for a $50 Chili’s gift card. The transaction, which completely clears out the final remnants of Charlotte’s ascending 44-win core, comes just days after the team strategically unburdened itself of All-Star point…

  • Cursed CMS Throne Patiently Awaits Next Victim

    Cursed CMS Throne Patiently Awaits Next Victim

    SECOND WARD — The Iron Throne for the CMS Superintendent is reportedly patiently awaiting its next temporary occupant to consume its soul. The move comes as the CMS Board of Education has officially triggered its sacred triennial ritual, placing Superintendent Dr. Crystal Hill on “temporary administrative leave” while an outside firm determines how much it…

  • Neese’s Liver Pudding Brick Appointed Interim Mayor of Charlotte

    Neese’s Liver Pudding Brick Appointed Interim Mayor of Charlotte

    UPTOWN — The Charlotte City Council voted unanimously Wednesday night to appoint a raw, 16-ounce Neese’s Liver Pudding Brick as the city’s next interim mayor. The gray, slate-colored rectangle—celebrated by civic insiders for its total lack of discernible personality, independent thought, or political ambition — was enthusiastically sworn in to serve the remaining 18 months…