State

  • NYC Transplant Mourns Charlotte’s Lack Of Giant, Epilepsy-Triggering Advertisement Nexus

    NYC Transplant Mourns Charlotte’s Lack Of Giant, Epilepsy-Triggering Advertisement Nexus

    UPTOWN — Expressing profound disorientation following his recent relocation to North Carolina’s largest metropolitan area, local resident and former Manhattanite Julian Vance publicly lamented Tuesday that Uptown Charlotte suffers from an alarming, medically negligent lack of massive, seizure-inducing advertising displays. “Back home, if I wanted to feel alive, I could just stand in Times Square…

  • CMPD Chief Amazed Dystopian Flock Grid Used For Dystopian Tracking

    CMPD Chief Amazed Dystopian Flock Grid Used For Dystopian Tracking

    UPTOWN — CMPD Police Chief Estella Patterson admitted she was “completely blindsided” to discover that a high-tech mass surveillance system capable of tracking every vehicle in the city without a warrant had been used by an officer to track a citizen without a warrant. “We are deeply shaken by this betrayal of trust,” Patterson said…

  • Ripped, Shirtless Jeff Jackson Spotted Physically Choking Out Duke Energy Executive In Raleigh Courtroom

    Ripped, Shirtless Jeff Jackson Spotted Physically Choking Out Duke Energy Executive In Raleigh Courtroom

    RALEIGH — A routine hearing before the North Carolina Utilities Commission descended into action cinema Thursday when Attorney General Jeff Jackson tore open his dress shirt, revealed what witnesses described as “a constitutionally alarming number of abdominal muscles,” and placed a Duke Energy executive in a textbook submission hold. The confrontation came during testimony on Duke’s…