TOP SPIRE OF DOOM — The Green Goblin, Lex Luthor, Man Ray, and Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan convened Monday morning atop the Bank of America Tower to discuss evil schemes, long-term villain strategy, and other professional matters.
The annual summit, held at the city’s most iconic monument to looming dread and generational wealth, also featured guest appearances from Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper and Duke Energy President Harry Sideris. Lightning strikes, swirling clouds, and several audible “mwahahahas” signaled the meeting had begun.
Topics on the ignoble agenda included adding several more toll lanes to I-77, making the Wells Fargo sign visible from space, and formally recognizing Gastonia’s right to exist. Photos of the general populace were also circulated just to generally point and laugh at.
Duke Energy representatives proposed sealing Charlotte inside a giant dome of humidity just to see what happens. Tepper, meanwhile, unveiled plans for a $2.3 billion retractable roof over Bank of America Stadium that only opens during monsoons, paired with a subterranean glory hole funded entirely by a public-private partnership.
“We’re also deciding to make the skyline chartreuse tonight, because fuck you,” said The Dirty Bubble.
The meeting concluded with a toast of artisanal peasant blood and a group decision to raise rent in NoDa by 113% to keep things interesting.
