CONCOURSE STALINGRAD— The United Nations voted unanimously on Monday to classify the men’s restrooms at Charlotte Douglas International Airport as active war zones, citing “ongoing hostilities, a total breakdown of social order, and widespread splash damage.”
“Based on satellite imagery and firsthand traveler accounts, conditions in Concourse D now meet the criteria for what we call ‘Class-3 Bathroom Conflict,’” said UN Secretary-General António Guterres. “Frankly, we haven’t seen this level of chaos since the South Blvd Waffle House Incident of 2009.”
The Charlotten’s war correspondents were on the ground at Charlotte Douglas International Airport this morning to report on the deteriorating conditions. From outside the terminal, the muffled blasts of flatulence and other heavy mortar activity could be heard echoing throughout the infrastructure.
Inside, every stall is occupied. Troop morale is low. Civilians wait in long, winding queues with thousand-yard stares. A man screams into a Bluetooth headset about Q4 earnings. Another screams even louder as he braces himself mid-defecation using nothing but his Samsonite carry-on for stabilization. The floor is sticky with unidentifiable substances. Panicked survivors scrambled toward the sink, slapping frantically at soap dispensers like they owe them money.
The paper towel tub has long since reached capacity, now spilling over like a mass grave of damp wads. A lone hand dryer whirrs weakly in the corner. A baby weeps.
All operations are currently being supported by a single overextended cleaning lady, holding the entire front line together with a half-full bottle of industrial-strength lemon spray.
The women’s restroom has yet to be breached.
