EASTSIDE — After decades of politely whistling at drivers who stop for more than 1.4 seconds, Charlotte Douglas International Airport has announced a new, more hands-on approach to curbside enforcement: full-body tackles.
“Too many people think ‘I’ll just wait here for a sec’ means ten full minutes with their hazard lights on,” said Marcus Linney, Director of Curbside Operations. “Sometimes a whistle doesn’t cut it. Sometimes, you need to be yanked through the driver’s side window like it’s a hostage situation.”
Under the new initiative, any driver who dares linger outside baggage claim — even to blink, sneeze, or wave at Grandma — will be met with a running linebacker-style takedown administered by a newly formed “Idle Response Unit.”
“They told me to come pick up my mom at Terminal 2,” said local resident Marcus Tillman, moments before an employee slide-tackled his windshield and dragged him out by the hoodie. “I didn’t even shift into park.”
Airport officials insist the new policy isn’t meant to be punitive, but rather to “encourage quicker loading through fear and surprise.” Repeat offenders will be forced to circle the airport in perpetuity.
At press time, a traveler was suplexed for asking what the big deal was.
