WEST CHARLOTTE — A beleaguered Charlotte family on Friday successfully completed a long, torturous journey through Charlotte Douglas’ infamous A Connector, the nearly 1,000-foot stretch of hopelessness designed to separate the weak from the strong.
Traveling in 19th-century wagons built to traverse middle America at the height of the Gold Rush, the family endured numerous setbacks. Chief among them: their horses had to trot much of the distance without the aid of any moving walkways, which are always broken for some reason. Additionally, because the line at Smashburger was slightly longer than they considered convenient, the family patriarch was forced to make the tough decision to eat one of their children for necessary nourishment.
“I loved my boy, I really did,” said Jack Turnhead, the bruised-up father leading the caravan. “But the A Connector does strange things to a man. You look ahead into that blurred horizon and think to yourself, By God, some tough decisions are gonna have to be made this week.”
Turnhead’s wife, Ophelia, further described the horrors her family endured.
“I contracted dysentery after eating a weird-looking sandwich I bought at one of those Market Places,” she said. “The sandwich cost about 15 gold coins.”
She continued: “I get that the trail is inspired by the Wright Brothers’ first flight, but you almost wish they’d been less successful so the trail would be shorter. Also, it might’ve been a fever dream, but I remember hearing the blaring sound of the 1903 Wright Flyer overhead. I remember thinking, Why, God? Why must you test me so?”
The Wright Brothers did not respond to a request for comment.
Despite their harrowing trek, the remainder of the Turnhead clan is now safely aboard their Frontier flight, which is sure to be its own sort of hell.
