UPTOWN — An absolute fucking legend last night obliterated a Halal Cart lamb gyro in 56.21 seconds, all while reportedly “beyond inebriated,” local sources confirmed.
The hero, a 25-year-old who requested anonymity, paid for the meal with the last crinkled-up dollar bills in his wallet, shortly after stumbling out of one of Uptown’s two functional nightclubs.
Witnesses watched in a mixture of awe and pity as the man mercilessly inhaled his gyro, annihilating the seven-inch, meat-filled pita in just two bites. Employees of the Halal cart, however, exchanged wary glances, as if suddenly realizing the primal power their food holds over mankind’s most base instincts.
As the feast unfolded, a small crowd gathered, one bystander furtively pulling out his phone to time the event, sensing history in the making.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Bill Greer, who had simply been trying to walk back from a play at the Blumenthal with his wife before finding himself a reluctant witness to the sacred event.
“This was more than eating—it was a communion between man and meat, performed with drunken devotion. He didn’t choose the gyro. The gyro chose him.”
“Frankly, this is the most important thing to happen here since Charlotte allegedly declared independence before the rest of the country,” another local added.
After finishing his meal, his work was done. He disappeared into the night, ordering an Uber he’d almost certainly throw up in.
