UNIVERISTY CITY — A man who valued his life was honked at Thursday morning for declining to take what witnesses are calling a life-ending left turn onto University Blvd.
“I was just leaving Harris Teeter and had to turn left across two lanes of speeding traffic,” said 33-year-old Jacob Wasabi, who reportedly describes his life as “generally worth preserving.” “Then I heard furious honking, and looked back to see this rabid man foaming at the mouth, like I’d personally insulted his bloodline. He was slamming the horn like his life (but not mine) depended on it. I was just trying not to die by waiting 3 seconds for the coast to clear.”
The honking driver, Jacob Fitzimmens, told reporters he believed the car in front of him wasn’t being “aggressive enough” and could have “easily made it” if he had simply accepted the possibility of a very violent, high-speed T-bone collision.
“There was a window of opportunity—0.6 seconds tops—where he could’ve slipped through,” said Fitzimmens, who was reportedly trying to make it to Chick-fil-A before the breakfast menu ended. “Sure, if even one variable was off—like if a truck accelerated slightly or if his tires had less than perfect grip—he’d be obliterated. But that’s just the cost of doing business on University.”
Fitzimmens went on to explain that his honking was meant as a form of encouragement. “I wasn’t mad. I was urging him to be brave. To take initiative. To be willing to die for my very important cause.”
Fitzimmens reportedly died 17 minutes later.
