PLAZA MIDWOOD — After reading yet another headline involving alligators, a car chase, and a proposed bill to arm toddlers, Charlotte resident Grant Ellison, 32, took a long sip of coffee this morning and quietly whispered to himself, “At least I don’t live in South Carolina.”
Ellison, who has no strong political convictions and once described his worldview as “vaguely progressive but mostly tired,” says the bar is low—but South Carolina still manages to limbo beneath it.
“It’s not that Charlotte is perfect,” he said, gesturing toward I277 and a speeding Altima. “But at least here, no one’s trying to put Bible verses on school buses or sell meth out of a boiled peanuts stand. Probably.”
Friends say Ellison experiences weekly waves of relief while scrolling through national news. Some recent examples include:
“SC man sues Waffle House for emotional damage after denied third refill of gravy.”
“Bill would allow South Carolina residents to marry their pickup trucks—under God.”
“South Carolina governor blames potholes on communism.”
Despite living just 15 minutes from the border, Ellison says he makes a conscious effort to remain on the Charlotte side unless absolutely necessary. “I’ll go to Carowinds, sure,” he said. “But the second that coaster crosses the state line, I just close my eyes and think of Harris Teeter.”
“I may pay $2,200 for a one-bedroom next to a vape shop,” Ellison continued. “But at least I don’t live in SC.”
