UPTOWN — The Charlotte Area Transit System (CATS) announced on Sunday that Charlotte’s Lynx Blue Line will soon be outfitted with thermonuclear-grade annihilation lasers to “incinerate the shit” out of vehicles blocking its path, delivering “swift and fiery justice” to inconsiderate parking offenders, according to the press release.
The new initiative, approved by the city council as part of a $15 million infrastructure plan titled Operation Move Your Damn Car, Or Else, comes amid what officials are calling an “epidemic of stupidity,” as an unprecedented number of vehicles have been abandoned on the tracks, particularly in areas where residential and commercial roads blur dangerously into the rail line. These delays in service have drawn the ire of passengers and city officials alike, who describe the situation as “unsustainable and infuriating.”
“The only logical solution is a plasma beam operating at 10,000°C,” a CATS spokesperson said, adding, “We’ve tested it; there are no other alternatives. Woe to the vanquished.”
While many Charlotte residents support the plan, a steadfast coalition of Mustang drivers, DoorDashers, and people who think putting on their hazard lights grant them immunity from being considered an asshole, have voiced their vehement opposition, claiming the lasers are an overreaction to what they describe as a “minor inconvenience.”
“What the hell else am I supposed to do?” said Gary Lemming, a 23-year-old DoorDasher living in South End. “The city put the tracks in the middle of the damn road like a booby trap. I’m just trying to work, man.”
“What he said,” a thirty-year-old Mustang driver, who spoke with the reckless abandon of a middle schooler, told The Charlotten. “They need to put the tracks far enough away so me and my boys aren’t tempted to just fuckin’ rip down that shit when no one’s looking. Honestly, it just feels like a challenge at this point.”
The United Coalition of Urban Parkers (UCUP) issued an official statement condemning the lasers as “a blatant violation of our fundamental right to park inconveniently and unapologetically.” They have vowed to escalate their protest, though details remain vague, with one member admitting, “We’re still working out the logistics of blocking the laser.”
Construction on the laser system is set to begin next month, pending a reluctant thumbs-up from Charlotte’s fire marshal, who described the plan as “aggressively stupid, but also kind of badass.”
