UPTOWN — Uptown Charlotte was thrown into chaos this morning as a Decepticon—a sentient cybernetic war machine from the Transformers universe—took the form of a battered Nissan Altima and began wreaking havoc, leaving behind death, hellfire, and an alarming number of shredded temp tags.
The creature was seen weaving through traffic at impossible speeds, parallel parking at 60 mph, and launching firebombs into high-rise apartments, all while blaring distorted bass at ear-splitting levels.
Authorities have yet to determine its motive, but for many, the answer is obvious. The Nissan Altima Decepticon is the inevitable manifestation of every vaguely classist generalization ever made about its kind—an ancient force summoned from the collective unconscious of Charlotte’s most aggrieved HOA Facebook groups. After years of ridicule, ticketing, and side-eye at stoplights, the Altima has finally had enough. It is out for revenge.
“This is just typical,” sighed one Dilworth resident. “First, it was the loud mufflers, then the reckless lane changes, and now we have an actual, sentient Altima terrorizing the city? At this point, I’d almost respect it.”
At the time of reporting, the Decepticon was last seen launching plasma cannons at the intersection of South Tryon and West Tremont, pausing only to rev its engine menacingly at pedestrians.
CMPD has yet to acknowledge the destruction, reportedly still prioritizing parking violations in Plaza Midwood.
