UNIVERSITY — A University man, who the Charlotten was able to snag for an interview at a local Harris Teeter, has recently gone on record saying that there is absolutely nothing to do in the Queen City, despite possessing an incredible lack of knowledge about things going on around town that week.
“It’s a complete ghosttown,” Jared McLaughlin, a 35-year old tech worker, said confidently as he pushed his cart through the frozen aisle. “It’s all breweries and stripmalls, honestly. I can’t think of one thing the city has to offer other than, maybe, the Micro Center—which is freaking awesome, by the way.”
When The Charlotten pressed Jared to consider the city’s many festivals, sports events, concerts, museums, theater performances, greenways, quaint walkable neighborhoods such as Historic Fourth Ward, and respectable nightlife, our reporter Dakota Hornet was only met with a blank, vapid stare.
“Well, I’m not into clubbing much,” McLaughlin finally said with a dismissive hand gesture. “Or walking in nature, for that matter. Plus, the Whitewater Center is closed in winter. What gives?”
Even when we gently brought up things to do in his own area, such as thrifting, TopGolf, or a day-trip to Ikea, McLaughlin told The Charlotten that those things hardly counted as viable candidates for ‘real’ diversion.
“Seriously, Ikea?” McLaughlin scoffed as he scanned multiple reheatable meals at the self-checkout. “Where I come from up North, they’d laugh at you if they heard that. Hell, in New York, you can catch a broadway show, see Central Park, and eat in Jackson Heights, all in one day.”
As Mr. Hornet rushed to follow McLaughlin out into the parking lot, he asked if perhaps a more open mind, diversity of hobbies, and websites such as ‘charlottesgotalot’ or ‘charlotteonthecheap’ might be the remedy for his misguided disdain for the city, but the University man would not hear any of it.
“You can’t even get a good bagel around here!” he added, slamming his car door shut before quickly driving off.
