UPTOWN — A study conducted by CATS, released on Monday, revealed that most people just “straight up don’t fuckin’ bother” buying a ticket for the light rail. According to the report, 20% of riders admitted it outright, while “the rest of you just lied.”
The findings come as many Charlotteans question whether payment enforcement even exists on the light rail, which at this point currently functions more like a mobile escape room with windows. Eyewitness sightings of fare enforcers remain as rare as Bigfoot encounters.
“I think I saw one once,” said rider James P. “Thought I was done for, but luckily it vanished straight through the train wall like a ghost in a reflective vest.” Others describe encounters as “eerily cryptic,” usually involving a divorced dad materializing just long enough to mutter “tickets, please” before dissolving back into mist.
CATS says excuses for skipping fares span the political spectrum. Libertarians insist, “It’s not theft, it’s freedom of movement.” Conservatives grumble that “we already pay with our taxes.” Liberals swear they “support public transit 100%” but somehow never remember to buy a ticket.
“No matter how they spin it, the result’s the same—nobody buys a ticket unless they think an enforcer actually exists, which, statistically, is never,’ a CATS spokesperson explained.”
According to city officials, fare enforcement is apparently the easiest way to prevent all tragedies on the system—a bold conclusion that neatly avoids discussions of mental health, repeat offenders, or literally anything else difficult. Faced with choices, leaders confirmed they can only do one thing, and since flamethrower turrets are cheaper, CATS has announced plans to install them on each light rail car to incinerate anyone detected riding without a valid fare.
“If you can’t stand the heat,” the spokesperson added, “you should’ve bought a $2.20 ticket.”
The turrets are scheduled to go live in 2045—right after the Silver Line opens.
