UPTOWN — A new nightclub is opening this weekend in Uptown for more people to stand around on their phones, The Charlotten confirmed Friday morning.
Retro Bar, a “throwback” two-level venue themed after the ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s, adds itself to Uptown’s ever-dwindling roster of functional nightclubs, joining a handful of places where the air smells faintly of Red Bull and piss. In doing so, it leaves a graveyard of shuttered spots—Dandelion Market, The Roxbury, and hopefully soon Prohibition—in its wake.
The spot will offer a welcome reprieve for those looking for “a good time out” by giving them ample space to recharge on the dance floor via their phones.
Dance moves are seldom seen at most Uptown and South End clubs, save for the occasional “White Guy in a Canoe” shuffle that lasts about three seconds before friends decide to “go smoke” or “check the vibe upstairs.” Many patrons purchase beer only to stand still with it, nodding along to LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem while a DJ with aviators on fist pumps like he’s headlining Coachella.
As for what patrons are actually doing on their phones, speculation ranges from checking for late-night food (It’s just the Halal Cart, and they don’t have cash), to scouting other clubs where they can also stand around on their phones, to rewatching the same TikTok on loop until their Uber gets there.
Bar fights in these venues now almost exclusively stem from disputes over someone “stealing” another person’s prime leaning wall for optimal scrolling posture.
Retro Bar has already closed down, citing rising rent rates.
