UPTOWN — The Charlotte City Council voted on Thursday to adorn the city skyline with a gargantuan, towering stack of abandoned Lime scooters, purportedly in a move to make the city “more clean, more safe, and most of all, more energy-efficient” than ever before.
To build the skyscraper, which is being dubbed the “Lime Spire” by city officials, volunteers will collect over 3.5 million precariously-placed scooters from various streets, sidewalks, and tree canopies throughout Uptown—just under half of the estimated number believed to be currently strewn across the city. Over 33 million square feet of office space is expected to be razed to make way for the new construction project, with funding provided by the $31.4 million in federal grants for infrastructure recently awarded to the city.
“Spending these federal investments to build the Lime Spire affirms Charlotte’s strategic vision to create a connected, equitable, and sustainable future,” said Mayor Vi Lyles. “By focusing on infrastructure that serves all residents, the Lime Spire will have a lasting impact on our city’s growth and quality of life.”
A spokesperson for Lime, the San Francisco-based company behind the electric scooters, said the organization is proud that their product is finally being used for something other than drunk twenty-somethings haphazardly ripping down streets, only to unceremoniously discard the scooters after inevitably crashing or suddenly finding themselves in a ‘low-speed zone.’
“When we suckered the city into letting us deploy over 1,200 Roman legions’ worth of Lime scooters to their streets, we only had the best interests of the citizens and public infrastructure at heart,” said the spokesperson. “We’re shocked to hear that many Charlotteans regard our fallen green soldiers as an unseemly blight upon the cityscape, but we’re happy that the city is working with us to find an innovative and cost-effective solution to the [perceived] problem.”
The Charlotten attempted to gather opinions from citizens about the project but was met largely with apathy. One Fourth Ward resident, upon hearing of his apartment’s imminent demolition in favor of the Lime Spire, simply said: “I don’t care anymore.”
“It’s about time someone did something with those scooters,” said another resident. “I saw fleet of them breeding in a dark alleyway once, I swear.’
Construction of the tower is expected to finish some time in the next general century.
