SOUTH END — A group of coworkers on a pedal pub crawling down N. Tryon Street was seen reveling in feelings of amusement which they mistakenly believed were shared by sidewalk onlookers.
The group, composed of oafs, boobs, twits, and general doofuses, was reportedly participating in a “Mandatory Team Synergy Outing” for a local fintech mid-start-up.
To justify the $450 rental fee (plus a mandatory 20% “keg-handling” gratuity), the group felt it supremely important not only to have a good time but also to convince the general public they were having one—usually by screaming at a lone dude waiting for the bus.
“I was just trying to cross the street to get a sandwich,” said local bystander Marcus Reed, who was targeted by a synchronized ‘woo’ from the wagon. “One guy in a quarter-zip vest pointed his beer at me and yelled, ‘YOU’RE MISSING THE PARTY, BRO!’ I’m not missing the party. I’m going to a 2:00 PM dental appointment. My life is objectively better than being on that wooden treadmill right now.”
The nincompoops, however, remained undeterred.
“We really feel like we’re giving back to the community,” said Tyler, a Senior Account Lead and self-described ‘vibe curator’ for the group. “People are just going about their boring days, and then—BAM—they see us doing 4 MPH to a Pitbull song. You can see the envy in their eyes. Or maybe they’re just squinting at the sun. Either way, they love the energy.”
As the weather warms in the Queen City, the frequency of pedal pubs is beginning to resemble the spread of a highly contagious, beer-scented respiratory virus.
Experts suggest that when you combine the usual Charlotte driving experience—a chaotic cocktail of expired-tag Altimas, LaMelo Ball’s speeding armored combat vehicle, and confused Waymo sensors—with a 15-person bike-bar blocking the right lane, it officially makes Charlotte a motorized circus of the absurd.
“It’s the hubris of it all,” noted one Uptown citizen who watched the vehicle struggle to climb a slight 2-degree incline. “They are working harder than they do at their actual jobs just to move slower than a brisk walk.”
It was a Tuesday. No one was on the street.
