SOUTH END —A new study confirmed that every single person jogging on the Charlotte Rail Trail is significantly more attractive, wealthy, and emotionally fulfilled than you are.
The research revealed that the average Rail Trail pedestrian possesses a resting heart rate of 45 bpm, flawless skin entirely unaffected by the Carolina humidity, and at least $400 worth of matching Lululemon apparel. Furthermore, they are radiating an aura of pure, unadulterated joy that you have not experienced since childhood.
“We tracked a control subject, whom we’ll call ‘You,’ attempting to walk off a Tuesday hangover while carrying a $7 iced latte,” lead researcher Dr. Thorne explained. “Within three minutes, ‘You’ was overtaken by a stampede of 26-year-old financial analysts running a 6:30 pace while enthusiastically debating the tax benefits of a Roth IRA. Our instruments detected that not only were these runners not sweating, but were also entirely insulated from the city’s crippling housing crisis.”
According to the data, the trail’s elite demographic effortlessly maintains a lifestyle completely detached from the local economy. While Charlotte recently celebrated rising from dead last to 38th in national economic mobility, the study found that 100% of that upward mobility is currently concentrated within the calves of out-of-state Bank of America analysts.
“I just came out here to get a breath of fresh air and clear my head,” said local resident Mark Jenkins, 28, who ranked in the lowest percentile of trail happiness. “But then a couple jogged past me in pristine On Clouds, laughing musically about their recent promotion, and I suddenly felt the urge to apologize for breathing their air.”
City officials advised average, mildly stressed citizens to avoid the South End portion of the trail entirely. For the sake of public mental health, the city suggests that regular people take their daily walks in an older, affordable neighborhood which will soon be demolished for a new toll lane anyway.
At press time, the equivalent of your monthly rent was being spent on citrus-flavored Zyns by a guy named Connor.
