OPTIMIST PARK — Nationally renowned pizza joint Bird Pizzeria has announced a bold new slogan telling customers to generally fuck off and stop trying to eat there.
“We’ve been trying to communicate this for years,” said a Bird spokesperson while locking the front door three hours before the posted closing time. “But people kept showing up anyway. So we figured it was time to formalize the message.”
Located in Optimist Park, Bird made headlines in 2024 for its thin-crust masterpieces after being featured in The New York Times as one of the best pizza spots in the country. Since that meteoric rise to fame, the joint has also gained a reputation for its long lines, limited hours, and what many diners describe as an almost heroic commitment to making the act of eating there as difficult as possible.
“I’ve been trying to eat there for years. The closest I ever got was a reservation on their website for a 4:00 a.m. spot on a Tuesday morning,” said NoDa resident Tyler Vance. “By the time I clicked ‘Confirm,’ the page redirected me to a looping video of the owners laughing and a map to Benny Pennello’s.”
Despite the hostility, some residents remain committed to what food bloggers have begun describing as a form of culinary self-flagellation, insisting the restaurant’s open contempt for customers only enhances the experience.
“Last Tuesday I stood in the rain for two hours just to have the window slammed in my face. I’ve never felt more alive,” said one local devotee. “The way they looked at my wallet with pure disgust really elevated the flavor profile of the air. Honestly, if they ever actually let me buy pizza I’d probably lose respect for them.”
Bird representatives confirmed the slogan will soon appear on merchandise, menus, and possibly tattooed on the foreheads of the staff.
“Look, we make great pizza,” the spokesperson said. “But if people could stop trying to buy it, that would really help us out. So pretty please, with a drizzle of Mike’s Hot Honey on top, fuck off to Zämbies.”
Following the announcement, the line outside Bird grew even longer.
