CHARLOTTE — As fall officially begins today, Sept. 22, a Charlotte man has realized he still has at least three more summers left this year.
“I understand that it’s technically the first day of fall, but that really means nothing here,” the man said, wiping his forehead. “I could rake leaves in the morning and get heatstroke by lunch. It’s all the same.”
Charlotte—and North Carolina more broadly—are known for their 13 seasons, including False Fall, The Pollening, Hell’s Front Porch, and Spring of Deception. Some say the shifts are a natural cycle, while others blame a rhythm decided either by God or Brad Panovich finally throwing up their hands and declaring, “Fuck it.”
Residents are encouraged to continue traditional fall activities such as corn mazes, haunted trails, and sipping hot cider in 80-degree heat. Panthers and Charlotte FC fans can once again look forward to baking in direct sunlight for several hours at Bank of America Stadium, where the only shade is a $12 Bud Light can.
A spokesperson for the U.S. National Whitewater Center confirmed that all fall programming will proceed as scheduled, including Haunted Paddleboard Yoga, Oktoberfest Glow Rafting, and corn hole tournaments played entirely in direct sunlight.
Local officials estimate Actual Fall will arrive sometime in late November and last 36 hours, before immediately giving way to Ice Storm Season.
