UPTOWN — On Friday, God announced that, among all His creations since the dawn of time, He least prefers those who scream “Jesus Saves” into megaphones at Trade and Tryon during business hours—for hours on end.
“I’ve made some pretty annoying stuff,” The Most High told The Charlotten in an exclusive interview. “Mosquitoes. War. NCDOT. But few things compare to some guy using My Name to justify being an all-around public nuisance. Like, I never agreed to that, man. You’ve got Me all wrong.”
The creation in question, also known as Jesus Saves Guy, can be found anywhere in Charlotte weaponizing the word ‘Jesus’ and accusing random people of being sinners—despite them probably being far better people than he is. Yet, despite near-universal disdain, the preacher remains committed to yapping all day.
“People say I’m counterproductive and annoying, including God Himself, but what does He know?” the Jesus Saves guy told The Charlotten. “The Bible says a lot of things, but nowhere does it say I can’t bark at a dude just trying to order Halal cart, in the name of Jesus.”
God, however, disagrees.
“I hear this guy’s misconstrued sermons all the way from Heaven, I can’t stand it anymore,” The Creator of the Universe said. “I don’t make mistakes often, but maybe I should’ve graced this guy with just a little more intelligence.”
