KANNAPOLIS, NC — Researchers at that weird liminal palace by the Kannapolis Amtrak station have announced the 37th documented method of planting corn.
“We didn’t think there were more,” said Dr. Kelsey Denton. “Then we tried whispering into the soil while pressing the seed gently with a gloved thumb. That did the trick.”
The research was conducted at the Plants for Human Health Institute, a state-funded initiative housed on the massive 350-acre campus that straddles the line between “bustling innovation hub” and “backdrop for an abandoned sci-fi movie set.” The campus itself is the brainchild of Dole billionaire David Murdock, who once had a vision of revolutionizing human health through produce and biotechnology—or as one Kannapolis resident put it, “I think they do kale stuff in there.”
To celebrate the discovery, city officials held a ceremonial tractor lap around the lawn.
Once a struggling mill town, Kannapolis is now rapidly growing and even listed as ‘Greater Charlotte Area’ on Zillow only. New arrivals continue to move in—many of whom assume the giant building near downtown has a functioning purpose besides researching topics ranging from cancer prevention to why blueberries are sad.
“This is a huge accomplishment, I guess,” said recent Kannapolis resident Liana Cho.
Researchers say the 38th method may involve planting corn at 200mph using a modified stock car to honor Kannapolis legend Dale Earnhardt.
