HUNTERSVILLE — A man who did not attend the No Kings march in Uptown says he’s “done his civic duty” by reminding the internet that protests don’t work.
The man, Craig Lunsford, 34, reportedly made the statement while scrolling Saturday afternoon, moments after seeing photos of thousands marching down Fourth Street holding signs like “America Has No Kings.”
“I’m not against protesting,” Lunsford said, “I just don’t see the point of doing something that’s never once worked in history. You think the government’s reading signs? Please. Besides, we literally don’t have kings. Checkmate.”
According to witnesses, the man has not attended a protest since accidentally joining a 5K in 2018. His contributions to civic life now include correcting people online about the technical definition of “fascism” and reminding everyone that “both parties are corrupt anyway.”
Organizers of the No Kings march described it as a show of unity against authoritarianism and political power grabs, though critics say its messaging was “confusing”. Still, supporters praised the peaceful turnout and said that, at minimum, it reminded people democracy requires effort. The man agreed—so long as that effort remains hypothetical.
“If people really want change,” he said, “they should do something useful, like post about how it’s impossible.”
At press time, Lunsford went on to explain that if demonstrators “really cared,” they would “do it in a park” or “vote instead,” before admitting he wasn’t totally sure what the rally was about.
Lunsford has not voted since 2012.
