UPTOWN — A prominent local marketing agency, dedicated exclusively to the promotion and distribution of highly combustible petroleum products, has launched a sprawling investigative report to uncover why the surrounding metropolitan area is currently engulfed in an unyielding, 4,000-degree inferno.
The marketing executives—whose daily operations consist of pumping high-octane accelerant directly into historic residential neighborhoods while publishing glossy lifestyle features celebrating the city’s most photogenic gasoline puddles—noted a troubling rise in the local ambient temperature earlier this week.
“People are seeing it everywhere,” said a lead copywriter. “The heat is simply out of control. We asked our readers what made them say, ‘Wow, my skin is blistering,’ and the responses poured in. We are entirely dedicated to discovering which mysterious atmospheric anomaly is responsible for this tragedy.”
The agency recently celebrated a record-breaking quarter after successfully convincing thousands of out-of-state transplants to relocate to the city’s newest premium-fuel districts, where the accelerant pairs perfectly with $20 artisanal matches, $270-a-month boutique striking surfaces, and rooftop cabanas.
Despite operating the machinery that sprays the accelerant across the metropolitan area, the marketing department remains baffled by the persistent presence of flames.
To better understand the crisis, the agency consulted with executives from the nation’s largest institutional arson-equity firms.
“What we’re experiencing is simply demand-pull combustion,” explained one private-equity firestarter. “Fire doesn’t create itself. Consumers are clearly choosing to ignite.”
At press time, the marketing department had already scheduled tomorrow morning’s newsletter featuring “The 10 Hottest Neighborhoods in Charlotte” alongside a sponsored guide to the city’s most exciting new sources of ignition.
Marketing Department For Gasoline Industry Asks Why Everything On Fire Lately
