TOP FLOOR OF BANK OF AMERICA TOWER — City officials confirmed Thursday night’s skyline will glow an aggressive shade of chartreuse, citing the reason as “because fuck you, that’s why.”
“We get hundreds of stupid lighting requests every week—shit like ‘turn the skyline purple for National Ferret Awareness Month’ or ‘light it gold for my cousin’s DJ rebrand,’” said Derek Nunch, president of The IllumɅinati, the shadowy cabal allegedly responsible for deciding what color uptown glows each night.
“Someone on the committee suggested chartreuse. We said yes because, yeah, we were all just in the mood to be dicks.”
The coordinated skyline lighting effort, originally meant to honor civic milestones like Pride Month or the Panthers’ annual losing streak, has since evolved into something more chaotic.
“Sometimes the decision is made by one guy in a sad room with a remote and a bottle of gin,” Nunch admitted. “But today, we settled on this neon-vomit color because you can all go eat shit.”
“We hate it too,” said one unnamed committee member. “That’s kind of the point.”
The lighting on the Wells Fargo sign will remain unchanged, as officials noted it’s already “ugly enough as is.
