WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what political analysts are calling “the most honest moment of his career,” Senator Thom Tillis was reportedly seen wiping his own ass with a towering stack of letters from concerned North Carolina constituents earlier this week.
Eyewitnesses claim the senator emerged from his office bathroom holding what appeared to be the remnants of carefully written pleas about healthcare, education, and civil rights—now neatly folded into a makeshift Charmin alternative.
“It’s nothing personal,” Tillis reportedly said, waving a half-used sheet bearing the faint header ‘Protect Medicaid Access.’ “It’s just that regular toilet paper doesn’t remind me enough of who I really work for.”
Local advocates were quick to respond. “Honestly? I’m impressed,” said Charlotte resident Dana Reynolds. “Usually, he just ignores our letters. At least this way, they’re getting processed.”
Another constituent, James from Raleigh, added: “I wrote him about protecting veterans’ benefits. Seeing my letter repurposed like that? It really brought home how ‘supporting our troops’ truly works.”
Tillis, who was recently given permission to defecate by President Trump and Elon Musk, faces backlash for backing Cabinet nominees even more full of it than his preferred toilet paper—namely RFK Jr. and Pete Hegseth. Fortunately, the senator found a way to address complaints without the hassle of writing an actual response.
“It’s important that my constituents feel heard,” Tillis explained while drafting another round of form responses to North Carolinians. “Otherwise, what would I wipe with next term?”