UPTOWN — An individual of unquestionably sound mind was seen Monday afternoon driving a bright red Polaris Slingshot through Uptown while blasting music at a volume that politely reminded everyone he existed.
Witnesses reported that the driver, whose vehicle featured tasteful LED accents and a decal assuring onlookers that he was ‘Mentally Thriving’, appeared to be “exuding nothing but emotional balance” as he revved repeatedly in stop-and-go traffic.
“He definitely seemed like a man who has it all figured out,” said Uptown pedestrian Karen Willis. “You don’t see that kind of serene confidence every day. Most people don’t even think to redline their engine for no reason in a crowded intersection, but he did. Inspiring, really.”
The three-wheeled vehicle, described by experts as “what would happen if a midlife crisis mated with a Jet Ski,” drew stares from office workers on lunch break. Witnesses confirmed the driver circled the block five separate times, pointing at pedestrians like he was acknowledging a crowd at a NASCAR parade.
“At one point he leaned out and yelled, ‘Uptown’s mine tonight, baby,’” said one Bank of America employee. “It was 2:15 p.m. on a Monday.”
City officials confirmed that Slingshot ownership is ‘the strongest possible marker of inner peace,’ rivaled only by actually going to the club known as Slingshot in South End.
As of press time, the driver was last seen pulling into a parking garage at 9 mph, narrowly missing a concrete pillar while repeating to himself that everything was absolutely fine.
