EVERYWHERE — As pollen levels across the Queen City surged into the visible spectrum this week, the feeble immune systems of some Charlotteans were once again utterly decimated.
“I can’t feel my face,” stated Tyler, 28, a Plaza Midwood resident while aggressively weeping into a single-ply tissue on a patio. “I’m drowning on land and my own white blood cells are laughing at me.”
Pollen—the microscopic grain that functions as the male gamete of a plant—is essentially the airborne reproductive frenzy of a stationary organism that has no idea you exist. It is also widely seen as Nature’s blunt, highly efficient attempt to weed out the weakest members of our city in order to solve traffic on I-77.
“We’re essentially letting the forest handle the congestion management,” an spokesperson for Mother Nature noted. “If the biological filter doesn’t work, we’ll just defer to NCDOT to build more toll lanes until the entire county is paved over anyway.”
At press time, the pollen was reportedly so thick it could be harvested with a snow shovel. It still did not stop a swarm of South Enders from their migration toward Club West Brewing.
