City officials confirmed early Thursday that Charlotte has officially run out of women.
The shortage, which experts say has been quietly building for years, reached a critical threshold around 8:15 p.m. on Wednesday, when a woman at Wooden Robot stood up to leave and was immediately followed out by twelve men holding IPAs.
“We believe she was the last one,” said a spokesperson for the city. “She got in a white Mazda, turned left on South Tryon, and was never seen again.”
The news has left many local men stunned, though not entirely surprised.
“We’ve known something was off,” said 29-year-old Brett, who has lived in South End for six years and owns a weighted vest. “The other day at Sycamore I counted seventy dudes and one dog wearing a bandana. The dog left before I could say anything.”
The crisis appears to be centered in the city’s densest neighborhoods, where men continue to gather nightly in outdoor breweries, waiting to be perceived. In Plaza Midwood, one man was seen scrolling Hinge on a Lime scooter. In NoDa, a DJ softly whispered “where did they go” into a vape.
As of Friday morning, Mecklenburg County has proposed a ten-day “pause” on new men moving into town. Under the emergency order, all incoming transplants must bring a woman with them or submit a romantic resume to the Department of Urban Parity.
When reached for comment, Duke Energy said the outage was “outside their service area.”
No women were available for comment, because yeah, they’re all gone.
